U are dead, do u think what they think about u matters still?

I have posted a question somewhere.. Because I read it somewhere.. I think it was a good one..

It went:
Imagine its ur funeral, how do u think people around u would say about you? Are u good, bad (hardly!), sarcastic, workaholic, a good leader, peoples' person, vouge and stylish, love to wear heels all the time, a pious person?! Friendly? Talkative? A very good cook that people would love your cooking?? What exactly?

You see, my significant other was telling me that incident would be forgotten in 3 months because nobody will think about it anymore after 3 months provided if nobody reminded us about it.. (Unless it has something to do with FEELINGS, BETRAYALS, DISHONESTY, this is an exceptional issue that will take longer to forget (and also forgive).. I kind of agree with him..

People at work labeled me as a shoeholic, yet my best friends that I used to spend time with labeled me as a workaholic, my boys labeled me as somebody that they love (because they always say we love you Miss) I spend 12 hours with them sometimes even more that we have this bonding that no one could understand.. Nevertheless some boys think I'm ignorant. My colleagues think I am full of patience, my hubby thinks I'm very stubborn, my parents think I'm a responsible child but my kid think I'm just a part time mother. He doesn't care if I'm there or not. It doesn't matter anymore and that make me feel really BAD!

In every religion, there's a teaching of "balancing work and life". Which is equally important. We work to survive, but we could never live alone.

You know what, waking up at 5, prepare myself, dressing up, put on make up, making up the bed, pray to God to have a smooth day ahead, face the crazy traffic, inspections, walkabouts, back to back meetings, bickering and quarreling with people, shouting and raising voice to each others face (Forget professionalism)in front of a whole group of other professionals for something petty that could be settle over a cup of coffee.. (And I'm pissed and ashamed) apart from the supposedly jobscope of putting up proposals, designing things, making decision, delegating job, planning for elevated level of human capitals, thinking of ways to cut cost and still be efficient, and controlling more than 25 young boys under a roof and avoid them from picking up on each other.. It happened and its ugly when it happened. I also have to prepare myself mentally and physically from being shot and have to shield myself from stray bullets that came from all directions. Ouch ouch..

By the time I got home its already late. I often missed dinner, sometimes I missed both dinner and lunch. Some people were telling me that I'm loosing weight (which is great), I also feel that I'm loosing my mind.. I don't have time to kid around, I don't have time for craps, I don't even have time to catch up with my hot housemate.. :p, what kind of life is that?? I came home, freshen up, pray and straightaway go to bed.
My head is feeling so heavy.. My only wish is that the pain will subside when I wake up tomorrow..

Miss the old days.. Miss the days when I could mingle around with my bffs and spend my time with my family.. Have longer weekend and have more ME time to draw up my personal short term and long term plan.. I miss shopping especially..

Oh dear.. That is besides the point, the point is, whatever u do, always look at things positively and differently.. And always ask God for blessing and endless mercy.. I still have a lot to learn.. And when I have enough, I will do my part sharing it with others which I feel that I'll be more happy and contented doing. Wonder how do I come this far?? Maybe it is meant to be? Because I've made a promise.. And when I deliver the promise, I think I would be able to change the whole rat race into a more stable and more meaningful life as a whole.. Insha Allah..
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One day, a journey..

Today is the day that I need you to be here, and just listened to whatever that I have to share. I just want you to listen and nod and give me a squeeze on my hand, and when I'm done I just want u to hug me tight, rub my back and tell me that everything is Ok because you are here with me..

Ironically enough, u are hardly to be reached, cannot even text u, let alone getting the embrace and support that I badly needed. I miss you so much it hurts!

You see, I did read somewhere, that "don't expect life to be fair" indeed.. Life is never fair and on other time I read "miracles happen everyday" sure there's miracles, everyday!

I was from construction, project management, strategic planning and education.. This is my first time in operations.. And I have to admit that this is a tough job. People from other industry won't be able to understand what I'm going through. But thanks goodness that they are people who share the same grievances as I do. Nevertheless, people from other departments will never try to put their feet in my shoes.. I wish they do but they don't. 1. Because they think they are good 2. Because they cannot fit into the shoes 3. Because they don't know how to walk in my 7" platform stiletto pumps..

I have to brace myself daily for late night/ wee morning calls.. U know, at first glance my job is no different from my soldier soulmate when he was in charged of operations, just that I'm not wearing a uniform.. The amount of shocked and surprises that I received everyday is "significant" and I am not so sure for how much longer I could last as healthy as I am now!

People in other department never get any call for some building failure in the middle of the night or when we just reached home after hours of traffic chaos. Chef or fnb manager will not be called back to the office in the middle of the night if the menu went wrong, they can always changed it last minute, they can always refuse the order but how can I refuse when something exploded? When there's a major power failure, when something burst? When something suddenly fell off and shattered?! How can I say NO to that accidents? It is beyond my control.. I am now a scapegoat for everyone, so that I could give a technical explanation when anything, "ANYTHING" goes wrong.. As if I know everything. I wish I do but I don't! There is certain limit to people's knowledge. And that a lot of people don't understand.. I am really thankful for those who does understand and stand beside me.. Without you people, I'll just walk away.. Why would I trouble my mind with something that is originally pathetic? Why not let somebody else worry about it? Why would I care so much?

Well, as I mentioned, miracles happen everyday.. Getting this job is actually a miracle that I never had expected all my life. I never plan to live away from my family, everybody knows that. Its a miracle too that I still survive till today..

For the last 6 months, I have this incredible strength to face the challenge because of one miracle that I call LOVE, it makes me strong and excited, despite the cursing and the heart attack. However I think, I have to learn to live without it. God has a better plan maybe. Or maybe God wants me to be more independent and not relying on somebody else? And again, God knows best..

Whatever it is, I've survived the shocked today. Praise god almighty. I wanted to cry because at this moment, I couldn't even lift my hands. I am all exhausted.. And I believe that even though I'm not getting what I really wanted, I'm fine.. Devastated a lil but still OK.. But I still have this LOVE that I want to spread around.. Maybe to my people in the team, the people who support me day and night and the people who entertain all my craps but still love me anyway for me, for who I am... My journey is still very long, Insha Allah.. Be there for me and I'll be there for you unconditionally, till my calling to be somewhere else is here. Thank you and God bless.

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device via Vodafone-Celcom Mobile.