Today is the day that I need you to be here, and just listened to whatever that I have to share. I just want you to listen and nod and give me a squeeze on my hand, and when I'm done I just want u to hug me tight, rub my back and tell me that everything is Ok because you are here with me..
Ironically enough, u are hardly to be reached, cannot even text u, let alone getting the embrace and support that I badly needed. I miss you so much it hurts!
You see, I did read somewhere, that "don't expect life to be fair" indeed.. Life is never fair and on other time I read "miracles happen everyday" sure there's miracles, everyday!
I was from construction, project management, strategic planning and education.. This is my first time in operations.. And I have to admit that this is a tough job. People from other industry won't be able to understand what I'm going through. But thanks goodness that they are people who share the same grievances as I do. Nevertheless, people from other departments will never try to put their feet in my shoes.. I wish they do but they don't. 1. Because they think they are good 2. Because they cannot fit into the shoes 3. Because they don't know how to walk in my 7" platform stiletto pumps..
I have to brace myself daily for late night/ wee morning calls.. U know, at first glance my job is no different from my soldier soulmate when he was in charged of operations, just that I'm not wearing a uniform.. The amount of shocked and surprises that I received everyday is "significant" and I am not so sure for how much longer I could last as healthy as I am now!
People in other department never get any call for some building failure in the middle of the night or when we just reached home after hours of traffic chaos. Chef or fnb manager will not be called back to the office in the middle of the night if the menu went wrong, they can always changed it last minute, they can always refuse the order but how can I refuse when something exploded? When there's a major power failure, when something burst? When something suddenly fell off and shattered?! How can I say NO to that accidents? It is beyond my control.. I am now a scapegoat for everyone, so that I could give a technical explanation when anything, "ANYTHING" goes wrong.. As if I know everything. I wish I do but I don't! There is certain limit to people's knowledge. And that a lot of people don't understand.. I am really thankful for those who does understand and stand beside me.. Without you people, I'll just walk away.. Why would I trouble my mind with something that is originally pathetic? Why not let somebody else worry about it? Why would I care so much?
Well, as I mentioned, miracles happen everyday.. Getting this job is actually a miracle that I never had expected all my life. I never plan to live away from my family, everybody knows that. Its a miracle too that I still survive till today..
For the last 6 months, I have this incredible strength to face the challenge because of one miracle that I call LOVE, it makes me strong and excited, despite the cursing and the heart attack. However I think, I have to learn to live without it. God has a better plan maybe. Or maybe God wants me to be more independent and not relying on somebody else? And again, God knows best..
Whatever it is, I've survived the shocked today. Praise god almighty. I wanted to cry because at this moment, I couldn't even lift my hands. I am all exhausted.. And I believe that even though I'm not getting what I really wanted, I'm fine.. Devastated a lil but still OK.. But I still have this LOVE that I want to spread around.. Maybe to my people in the team, the people who support me day and night and the people who entertain all my craps but still love me anyway for me, for who I am... My journey is still very long, Insha Allah.. Be there for me and I'll be there for you unconditionally, till my calling to be somewhere else is here. Thank you and God bless.
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